One of the first times I ever used Zoom as a virtual meeting was for Book Club. We normally would get together for a nice meal out, have wine and spend a few minutes discussing the book. The rest of the time we would catch up with each other and just enjoy time out while our kids were home safely with our husbands. Book club was more wine soaked in the early days when we had newborns and toddlers. It was more about getting dressed up and going out having fun, and proving we were so much more than just Moms. One night we somehow even ended up doing Karaoke! Nowadays though, we often come directly from a game or school event, so it’s come as you are when you can.
We thought about postponing during the quarantine, but we really needed to see each others faces. We did a Zoom meeting.
It was a really good book (This is How It Always is, Laurie Frankel) and we discussed it at length. Each of us had an interesting perspective and different thoughts on the book. It has an intense subject matter that triggered emotions in all of us.
However, my thoughts kept going to my background on the screen. It was just a white bedroom wall. Some friends had chosen backgrounds that looked like a library or a beach. All I could think about, was whether or not I could upload any picture I wanted for my background. If I could, which picture would I choose? Maybe I could choose the picture where Tom is carrying me in my wedding dress. Maybe I’d choose ones from our trips to Hawaii or France. Maybe I’d choose our first family picture when Maggie was a tiny baby and Alex seemed so big next to her. Or maybe a recent family picture or my favorite one from a friend’s birthday party.
If I could download one of those pictures for my Zoom background, I could pretend that Tom was still alive. I could position myself to appear I was in Tom’s arms again. Maybe I would even put on my wedding dress. I could put my real moving person onto one of those pictures and be there at that time and be happy again. Like a space time continuum? Then I could screen shot a picture of it. It would be a NEW picture of us. It would be current. It would be time stamped with today’s date! It would be NOW, right?
Wrong.
Those are dangerous thoughts, because I thought if I did that, maybe that would mean that I was going a little crazy. If I used technology to pretend that things were different, and “travel” back in time that would surely mean I was losing it.
But that background fantasy consumed my thoughts for the whole virtual meeting.
I faked it though. Like I’ve said before, there is a constant swirl of thought activity going on inside a grieving person’s head. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re crazy, sometimes they’re just pure fantasy.
