Lately, I’ve been having nightmares. They’ve been weird, stressful dreams where I am faced with a life altering decision. So far, in the dreams I’ve always chosen the wrong choice first. Then, at the very last second, I change my mind, take action and everything ends up being okay. *Just barely though*. I wake up disturbed and distressed and very relieved it was just another bad dream.
Also, I’ve been waking up a lot in the middle of the night, not knowing where I am, like somehow in my sleep I got lost. Normally after about two seconds of looking around in the dark to see where the doors and windows are I can figure out that I’m in my own room and I am safe.
That used to happen every now and then before Tom died. Without even opening my eyes, I would listen for Tom’s sleepy breaths, reach out and touch him and know I wasn’t lost.
I was safe.
Then I’d mumble “I love you”.
He’d sigh sleepily.
I’d go peacefully back to sleep.
The other night I woke up and was totally lost. I had no idea where I was. I started to panic. I looked around and the placement of the doors and windows didn’t make any sense. I was scared to death. Where was I?? More importantly, why didn’t I know??
I was telling the kids about my weird dreams and joking about how our brains come up with confusing stories as it works out different details of the day. I laughed when I said I got a little scared when I didn’t know where I was. Alex said, “Momma, I think you need to have Dolly sleep with you for a few nights, until you’re through this.”
The kids have always been good at sharing Dolly. She willingly goes with whomever needs her comfort that night. Very seldom has she slept with me because she knows her place is with the kids. She mostly sleeps with Maggie, but there’ve been times when Maggie has said, “I think I’ll let Alex have Dolly tonight. He’s had a rough day.”
Dolly is the glue holding us all together. She works very hard for our little family. She seems relieved at the end of the day when she climbs into one of the kids’ beds. It’s as if she’s thinking, “Gosh, I did it. I kept these humans safe, happy, and on task again today. When they left, they all came home. I did my job. I’ll do it again tomorrow because I love them sooooo much.”
She was so depressed when Tom never came home and I honestly believe she was ashamed of herself for not protecting him better. Or maybe she thought she did something to upset him so he chose to never come home again. Anyhow, she waited for him to arrive home for weeks. Then months. Anytime she heard a truck coming down the road, she sprung alert, hopping and bouncing, excited that he was finally coming back home. It was heartbreaking when she realized it wasn’t him. Even more heartbreaking to hear myself say, “He’s not coming home, honey…”
She’d look at me sadly, plop right down, her bones crashing against the hard wood floors. Like her fur was holding all of the pieces of her broken heart together. All of its shattered parts clattering within her as she fell to the ground.
She eventually became herself again. Sometimes, though, when I gaze deep into her eyes, I know she’s thinking, “I don’t know what happened, but I love you and I will be the best dog I can be so nothing like that ever happens again.”
I felt better the first night having her sleep with me, but also a little silly. I’m a grown woman and I needed my kids’ dog to help me sleep at night. Ridiculous!
But the following night I woke up confused after a bad dream. I worried that I might be lost again. I kept my eyes closed wanting to try to think it through before I got scared.
Then, I remembered that Dolly was with me.
I listened for her sleepy breaths.
I reached out and touched her.
I didn’t feel lost.
I wasn’t scared.
I mumbled, “I love you”.
She sighed.
I whispered, “Thank you…”
And I went peacefully back to sleep.
I’ve been sleeping restfully again ever since. After several nights, she had me reconditioned to not be afraid when I woke up lost.
Dolly has gone back to sleeping the kids.
She is so good at her job. ❤️
