I kept wondering why this “made up holiday” was so hard. It’s not even a real holiday, for Pete’s sake.
I got to see my mom. I called Tom’s mom. They’re both doing as well as possible during these quarantine conditions. I felt grateful for that.
I have two healthy kids whom I got to spend the day with. We took a little drive, because that’s all there is to do now. We had breakfast, lunch and dinner together like we have for the past 60 some days.
But all Saturday and Sunday during moments when I was alone I felt like crying. And I did. A LOT. I kept wondering, what the heck was wrong with me?
One of the things bothering me is that I was scheduled for a mammogram on Monday. The last one I had six months ago (almost immediately after Tom’s death) came back inconclusive. I needed a follow up in six months, which was the day after Mother’s Day. What if they find something? Who is going to take care of me? Who will raise my kids if I die? Haven’t we had enough bad health and bad luck for a while? It feels so heavy.
Another thing that is making this so hard is that although it is Mother’s Day, and I’m with my kids like I’m supposed to be, Tom’s not here. I wouldn’t be a mother without Tom. He made me a mother. I chose him to be the father of my kids. He was a great Father. He did so much for us out of love, not just duty.
He always asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day and I always joked that I wanted him to take the kids AWAY for the ENTIRE day. What we normally ended up doing was planting the flowers and doing yard work. The kids picked irises for me which always magically bloomed just in time for Mother’s Day (not this year though because of the stupidly cold weather). We’d eat on the deck, play badminton (Tom called it “The Min-Ton”) and eventually make it to bed, tired, happy and with dirt under our nails. The curtains blowing in the breeze would lull us peacefully to sleep.
Not this year. It just felt messed up. Maybe it was the quarantine-The kids felt less free to participate by running out and getting a card or small gift. I wouldn’t have let them anyway. They also didn’t have the encouragement or direction from Tom. Tom would’ve made a fun little trip to town with them for some trinkets and cards for me and coffee from my favorite coffee shop. As a matter of fact, when I was cleaning out his things I found a couple of Mothers Day cards he had already gotten. Maybe it was the weather- too cold and windy to do much. Maybe it just seemed weird to celebrate one parent without the other. Maybe it’s just this first year and we haven’t fully figured things out yet. But there is definitely some sort of emotions that we’ve never felt before that loomed around the entire day.
We had a quiet appreciation for the day itself and what it is supposed to be, but didn’t acknowledge it too much. We haven’t worked out all of the kinks yet. We don’t understand all of the feelings. We know every day there is a major piece missing and sometimes the “made up holidays” magnify what we don’t want to see.
Anyway, I prayed and prayed about the mammogram. I prayed to Jesus, God, Mary, whoever I thought might help. And then I told Tom, “Listen, they’ve got to be using you for something good up there, tell them to make this go away! Make it all come back clear. You know full well I can’t handle anything else right now. I‘ve been worried sick for 6 months. It’s all too much. I am SO tired. Make it go AWAY! Oh, P.S. I still love you like crazy. 🤗 “
For some reason, Dolly slept in my room that night. She woke me up a couple of times as she shifted and her collar jingled. I was worried and didn’t sleep well anyway. Having her on the floor next to me was comforting.
I ended up having a quick dream right before I woke up. I was holding Tom, knowing his end was near. He was laying on the couch and I was crouching on the floor next to him, my arms tight around him. He was so at peace and he kept smiling. He cracked a joke that I can’t remember. I looked up at my mom and my brother and said, “He’s so happy! He is SO HAPPY!!” I was crying and confused, but just tried to soak up his happiness. I touched the dimple that formed when he smiled. It was one of those dreams that doesn’t make sense.
When I woke up, I was changed. My anxiety was absent. I was on a mission to get up, go to my appointment and get it over with. Suddenly, somehow, I knew it would be fine (well, I was 80/20. Or 70/30). Then, I remembered that dream. It came to me in such vivid detail that I had to stop and think, “Wait, did that actually happen last night instead of six months ago?”
I don’t know what it all means. But I know my appointment went well. Whatever the suspicion the radiologist had before isn’t a suspicion now. I didn’t ask for details, because I will go down a deep, dark rabbit hole and google the hell out of it. I don’t need that right now. (Knock on wood) What a relief!
Mother’s Day was weird, our feelings about it were weird, and my anxiety about the following day spilled into it all.
I think we’ll do better next Mother’s Day.
But between now and then we have Father’s Day. These “made up holidays” are just too much this year.
