The bed…
Thank God I was too tired in the beginning to think too much about it. And thank God a child then slept beside me for a month. Having a child there made me pretend that things were okay so I didn’t overthink everything and cry myself to sleep. I would grab my book, pat the child’s back, and say, “We’re going to be okay, I love you, good night.” That was good for me. Eventually I was alone and I was ready to be. It was weird and sad, but I was too tired to think much about it.
A few months later, Maggie said it was time to make some changes in the bedroom. I don’t know why. Maybe she needed to see it differently, or maybe she knew I did. I was reluctant. I didn’t really want to rearrange it and I definitely didn’t want to have it the way she wanted it. But, when shit has happened in your family’s life, you don’t really argue about little things. You just go with it. She arranged it in a way that I was sure wouldn’t work and that I’d change as soon as I thought it wouldn’t hurt her feelings.
The first night was strange, but then, I got used to it. I absolutely loved it. She put the bed in a way that when the sun comes up in the morning it shines right in on my face. It’s great! She added a little reading area too, that I never had room for before. It is calm and I love it.
I bought a couple of throw pillows for the bed and a little book pillow that holds my book upright when I’m reading. The book pillow has little pockets on the side where I keep my lip balm, lavender spray and hand lotion. Kind of spa-like.
Every morning when I make the bed, I arrange the pillows just so, and put my book on the book pillow. I make it fresh and pretty. It makes me so happy to go in there at the end of the day and see my pretty made up bed, ready and waiting.
Making those small changes has been a really good thing for me. It didn’t erase any memories or any feelings I was afraid it might. It didn’t feel like an aggressive change like I feared. It was just a nice change. The bed is pretty.
And now I love my bedroom again.
And somehow during the room rearranging the pronoun changed.
It went from our bedroom to my bedroom.
